California Trip

There’s nothing in the world so sad
As talking to a man
Who never knew
His life was his for the making
Ray LaMontagne, “Old Before Your Time”

Nephew Bobby and wife Niki invited Toni and me to stay at their apartment in San Diego during my trip to see 94 year-old Midge. He’s a big Ray LaMontagne fan, and “Old before Your Time” is from Ray’s new CD “God Willin’ and the Creek Don’t Rise.” Though I don’t feel old before my time, my feet start barking – from a combination of bunions and arthritis – after being cooped up on a plane for four hours. Bob and I have given each other CDs for Christmas, and he has turned me on to some great music. He gets all his tunes off the Internet now, so I’m thinking of giving him a Rolling Stone magazine subscription. Bob and Niki are fantastic parents to two year-old Addison and 8 month-old Crosby, named for the Pittsburgh Penguins hockey player and nicknamed T-Bone. Record producer T-Bone Burnett recently worked with Elton John and Leon Russell on the critically acclaimed CD “The Union,” but Addie thought it up, inspired by a character on the TV series “Imagination Movers.” T-Bone Crosby is a blues musician who asks the Movers for ideas for songs. The name fits Crosby to a “T.” The kid has expressive eyebrows, rarely cries, and gives great hugs. We saw him crawl for the first time, mainly using his hands in an effort to reach Wheezy the cat. When Addie calls me Uncle Jimbo, it sounds like Jaybo – Alissa’s pet name for me, one I treasure. Addie tried my bacon and orange slices, and we put felt pieces on various characters in a book Toni gave her for Halloween.

Niki reluctantly let Bob and me take Addie on an overnight road trip to Palm Springs. My mother’s assisted living facility, Mirage Inn, is down the street from the Betty Ford Clinic (on Amazon one can buy Betty Ford Clinic cocktail napkins – I kid you not). On the way we sang “B-I-N-G-O” (“There was a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name”). In the Mirage Inn dining room Midge showed us off before we proceeded (Bob driving the rented Corolla at Niki’s insistence) to my brother’s new place at the Trilogy development in La Quinta. Addie loved kicking around a soccer-sized ball decked out to look like a pumpkin. Except for one brief moment, she never cried to go home despite being taken out of her normal routine. After she went to bed, we played a game with dominoes that went from zero up to twelve dots. On the first move you could play as many dominoes as possible on your row. After that you could only play once but on anyone’s row. If stuck, you drew one; if it didn’t play, you kept drawing once per turn until you or someone else played on your row. My mother was a hoot, never quite comprehending the rules and attempting to play on places that weren’t open. On Sunday morning we played with electronically guided boats on a pond near the sixth hole of the golf course. We had to keep quiet when golfers reached the green or people shushed us.

I wanted quarterback Tom Brady, on my Fantasy team, to do well in the Steelers-Patriots game but also rooted for Pittsburgh to score, quickly if possible. They lost badly, much to Bobby’s chagrin. Brady got me 32 points, spearheading Jimbo Jammers’ come-from-behind victory over “The Powerhouse” (Anthony’s team) for my first win in four weeks. Sealing the deal were my wide receivers DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin, beneficiaries of Michael Vick’s unbelievable day against the Redskins.

At Bob and Niki’s found Amy Sutherland’s “What Shamu Taught Me about Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons from Animals and Their Trainers.” The main message: reward good conduct and ignore bad behavior – in other words, positive reinforcement. After studying how trainers dealt with animals, Sutherland applied those lessons when her husband left dirty clothes in the bathroom or procrastinated. Like behaviorist psychologist B. F. Skinner, she recommended breaking down tasks into small steps (going from A to B). Sutherland wrote the book prior to Sea World trainer Dawn Brancheau drowning when “killer whale” Tilikum dragged her by the ponytail under water in front of horrified spectators during an event called “Dining with Shamu.” At Sea World in Ohio four year-old Alissa was picked from the crowd to “pet” Shamu. When the master of ceremonies asked where she was from, she answered, “America.” Phil found “Shamu 1993” t-shirts on sale for fifteen bucks and instead bought one saying “Shamu 1992” for half the price. He still has it, I believe.

During Addie and T-Bone’s afternoon naptime I watched parts of “Rudy” (unrealistic in its scenes where the Notre Dame practice squad walk-on finally gets to play against the wishes of Coach Dan Devine because other players threaten to revolt). Also caught the Farrelly Brothers’ “There’s Something about Mary” and roared when Ted (Ben Stiller) gets busted for peeing in the woods where gay guys were having sex and attacked by a dog on speed. I’d had forgotten the funny closing outtakes where cast members lip-synch to the song “Build Me Up Buttercup.”

The day after we arrived at Lindbergh Field, San Diegoan John Tyner, a 31 year-old computer programmer, refused to submit to a full-body scan. When a TSA official was about to give him an alternative groin check, he warned the man not to “touch my junk,” adding, “I don’t understand how a sexual assault can be a condition of flying.” Tyner recorded the encounter on his cell phone, posted it on the Internet, and is enjoying 15 minutes of fame. At O’Hare I had a full body scan and as a result didn’t have to submit to the normal pat down that is the inevitable result of having an artificial knee. Leaving San Diego, the Advanced Imaging machines weren’t being used and my pat down seemed more invasive than in the past. I kept quiet though.

Bought “Vanity Fair” with Cher on the cover for the flight home. Inside was a fascinating excerpt from “Unbroken” by “Seabiscuit” author Laura Hillenbrand about Louis Zamperini, adrift at sea for 47 days after his plane went down in the Pacific Ocean due to mechanical failure. Amazingly, he stayed alive by occasionally catching fish, trapping rainwater, fighting off sharks, and ducking into the water under his lifeboats when strafed by a Japanese plane. The piece ends with Zamberini reaching an island controlled by the Japanese. The book goes on to detail the two years Louis spent as a prisoner of war. Freed at war’s end, Zamberini battled alcoholism before becoming an inspirational speaker and is still active at age 93. Author Hillenbrand suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and has only left her house twice over a two-year period. What a pity.

Vanity Fair also had an interview with Dick Cavett. It’s hard to believe he is only 73 and hosted his own talk show starting at age 32. Just a year removed from college, he became a writer for Jack Paar and was responsible for the line the first Tonight Show host used to introduce a voluptuous movie star: “Here they are, Jayne Mansfield.” I recall seeing Janis Joplin talking to Cavett about intending to go to her tenth high school reunion and show those assholes who had looked down at her and Daniel Ellsberg lamenting that high schools didn’t teach about the 1937 Memorial Day Massacre. I was tuning in when Norman Mailer almost slugged Gore Vidal for comparing him to Charles Manson. Cavett was glib with the interviewer and quoted George S. Kaufman’s advice to sample everything but incest and folk dancing. Apparently Cavett suffered for years with depression, but at least it didn’t keep him home all the time like poor Laura Hillenbrand.

We had paid for a town car to drive us the final leg home, but the company sent a stretch limo because of a recent drop-off. Home in time for the last half of “Glee” (one of Toni’s favorites) and “Dancing with the Stars,” which I put on mute while listening to David Grey except when Annie Lennox and Enrique Iglesias performed. The latter sang his hit “I Like It” while regulars did a sexy dance. Incredibly, Brandy got the boot and Bristol, embarrassingly bad, remained. Darcy expressed disbelief that the “stuffed cow” is still on. I told her that it was such a travesty that even Bristol looked embarrassed that she is still alive.

Among the hundreds of emails awaiting me was one from Ray Smock, part of a group supporting the opening of Richard Nixon’s secret testimony before a grand jury investigating Watergate. I responded, “Good cause, almost up there with the petition to get Keith Olbermann back on the air.” MSNBC had suspended Olbermann for donating money to three Democrats running for office. Ray wrote: “I’ll sign any petition to get Keith back. I hear he’s coming back next week.” True, after hundreds of thousands clamored for his reinstatement. Reading my Quanah Parker review, Anthropologist Michelle Stokely wrote, “Am a bit disturbed by your term “half-breed.” The more appropriate term is “mixed blood.” Hope that can be changed prior to publication as it is a bit insensitive.” To be politically correct I made the change even though the author used “half breed” and “mixed blood” is, I believe, a modern term not in usage while Parker was alive.

Fred and Tracy Trout (a former student) sent an Evite to their annual Holiday Bash in December. Thirteen people, including Dean Mark Hoyert and wife Cindy O’Dell of the Psychology department have RSVPed. Another 35 (me included) have yet to respond. Ain’t the Internet wonderful?

Suzi Hummel Slack provided lines for “Captain Cardinal and the Mystery of the Missing Tiara” that I included in this latest paragraph: “Weeks earlier, seeing Wendy decked out in a formal gown for a charity event, a granddaughter called her Snow White. The nickname caught on, sometimes shortened to Snow. When the granddaughter convinced Wendy to join Facebook, as a joke she called herself Snow White and put on the tiara for her profile photo. Several classmates got a chuckle from it during the ensuing flurry of Facebook messages and suggested she wear the crown at the reunion. Suzi, a runner-up in the voting for Homecoming Queen, wrote: “Why not surprise our beloved classmates with the sight of the actual tiara? Imagine how they would feel knowing you had carried it with you all over the lands during your multi-faceted careers and marriages! Fifty years of caring for it and keeping it in tip-top condition. Only a Queen would have the stamina to sustain the effort.” Wendy kept the tiara under wraps during the reunion dinner and confided to Suzi that she was getting cold feet. Won’t it look like I am conceited, she wondered out loud. Put it on, people will get a good laugh, Suzi urged. Sure enough, during the group photo, classmates were smiling and giving Wendy high fives. On an impulse she passed it around and told others to try it on – a bad idea perhaps.

Fred McColly is upset over policies at his workplace, including cutting back hours, freezing wages, instituting stressful “just-in-time” production policies, and renting billboard space along a fence that fronts I-65. He’s a great diarist, and I’ll ask him to reprise his “Ides of March” journal in 2011.

At lunch Alan Barr summarized a Nova episode on last evening about Stonehenge. Scientists have analyzed DNA traces on the remains of those buried there 5,000 years ago. “I guess you didn’t see ‘Dancing with the Stars,’” I quipped. In fact, his wife made him put on the final five minutes to find out who was eliminated. Anne Balay mentioned not owning a TV. Her daughters actually let her get away with that.

In the news: House Democrats elected Nancy Pelosi Minority leader, 150-43, despite her being easy for Republicans to demonize. Most Democratic Congressmen defeated in the last election were from normally Red states. Those remaining tend to share her liberal political philosophy. If she still is a liability in 2012, she can step down. Rush Limbaugh recently suggested that if African-American House Minority Whip James Clyburn loses a leadership fight with Steny Hoyer, he could always emulate Morgan Freeman in “Driving Miss Daisy.” That way, Limbaugh chortled, “He gets to keep the car. He gets to go everywhere she goes. He’s not in the back of the bus. He’s in the driver’s seat, and she’s in the back being chauffeured. Solved problem.” What racist drivel. Concerning Elton John reviving Leon Russell’s career, someone wrote to Rolling Stone that he could now almost forgive him for singing at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding in July for a million-dollar paycheck.

Struggled all night in bowling, then finished with three strikes in a row and shouted, “Let’s go four.” In other words, it took me 30 frames to figure out what I was doing wrong. Our newest teammate, John Bulot, shot a 616, patiently picking up spare after spare until he caught fire in the third game. At home there was a phone message from Jack Gruenenfelder. As I feared, Bill Neil had passed away. I composed this brief announcement for distribution: “Former Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs William M. Neil recently passed away at age 90. Plans are underway for a memorial service in his honor. After the university moved to its present location in Glen Park, Neil was acting director for the campus for two years. The longtime chair of the History Department graduated from Gary College, the forerunner of IU Northwest before attending the University of Chicago, where he eventually earned his PhD. A pilot during World War II, Neil started his teaching American History when the university was located at Seaman Hall in downtown Gary. His students recalled that he was a polished lecturer who usually spoke without using notes.”